Are you a good listener? Most people like to think they are. But next time you are in a conversation with someone try paying attention to how you are listening. Notice how your mind is cluttered with all sorts of things other than what the speaker is telling you. It’s very easy to be preoccupied with something else: perhaps you find yourself preparing to rebut what the speaker has just said, or maybe you are half-focused on a solution to the speaker’s problem. Or are you are distracted because you’re running late for your next meeting?
Even if you can suspend your judgement and prevent your mind from wandering, listening is still difficult because listening is about being able to understand someone and often people don’t (or can’t) say what is really on their mind. I’m reminded of this quote from master obstructionist wordsmith Alan Greenspan, former chairman of the board of the US Federal Reserve:
“I know you believe you understand what you think I said. But I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant.”
In executive coaching – indeed for all types of coaching – listening is critical and coaches train themselves to be better listeners. Good listeners – whether executive coaches, bosses or subordinates, husbands or wives, parents or children – all have the following characteristics:
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Good listeners suspend judgement and their personal prejudices. It’s not that they don’t have a view; it’s just that they don’t let it get in the way of listening to the speaker.
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Good listeners are not defensive and do not feel compelled to justify themselves. This means they put their ego away and don’t allow negative, critical or blaming comments interfere with listening to the meaning behind what the speaker is saying.
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Good listeners can identify with the speaker and be empathetic but they don’t divert the speaker’s attention towards their own issues or get dragged into a “me too” mutual appreciation discussion.
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Good listeners hold back on giving advice. A good listener waits until he has really understood the speaker before offering advice – if at all. It’s easy to fall into the trap of providing advice when none is wanted.
Remember, as management consultant, Peter Drucker once said:
“The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn’t being said.”
A good executive coach will focus on the speaker not himself, attend to the speaker’s feelings not his own, and confirm that he has understood what the speaker has intended.
And if you don’t think you really understand what a speaker is trying to say then ask. And listen some more.
